Hello friends. Here are a huge collection of great One liner Jokes Quotes – Best Funny Hilarious Dirty Status for you to share on any social websites like facebook twitter tumblr whatsapp. Use these quotes of single line to enjoy your craziness in life.

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, “No, one drag is enough.”

Ask: “Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?” (No.) Wink.

I ran over a cat on the corner of “maybe next time” and “shoulda been faster”.

George washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

If you want to get along, go along.

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

What would happen if Superman consumed Lbs of laxative?

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!

Pick good people, talent never wears out.
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him at my age I don’t even buy green bananas.

Your worst humiliation is only someone else’s momentary entertainment.

You will find that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that’s hardly worth the effort.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

You either have to be first, best, or different.

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $ to me.

I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade.

If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

Stable relationships are for horses.

South Korea’s got SeOUL!

Never believe generalizations.

My dog is smarter than your honor student.
I poke badgers with spoons.

Cats make everything taste better.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

Sorry I missed church. I’ve been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night.

Just say NO to negativity

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

Other people’s tools work only in other people’s gardens.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

My wife submits and I obey, she always lets me have her way.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

My testicles just dropped…..WITH A VENGENCE!!!

One liner Jokes

Trying to squash a rumour is like trying to unring a bell.

Trust but verify.

There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.

The insane create worlds, the sane live in them… the sane create cages, the insane live in them.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.

Entropy has us outnumbered.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Appearances are not everything, it just looks like they are.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

One liner Quotes

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don’t know what it’s a plan for.

Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.

Business truth: After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

A penny saved has not been spent.

Business truth: The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

The “think positive” leader tends to listen to his subordinate’s premonitions only during the postmortems.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self defense.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything, both ways save us from thinking.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car I forget what kind it was and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Funny One liner Jokes

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!

In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.

I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn’t eat as much.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

I broke a leg one time … spilt coffee all over.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate she couldn’t read in two different languages.

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

Hilarious One liner Jokes

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.

I got a calculator and now I can’t add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can’t write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won’t dry on its own.

Always listen to experts. They’ll tell what can’t be done and why. Then do it.

All probabilities are really %. Either a thing will happen or it won’t.

Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, “Hey, progress.” Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

Don’t try to have the last word, you might get it.

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

The most interesting results happen only once.

If on an actuarial basis there is a chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

I will get it done when I get it done!

Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.

Baker’s First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Anything that doesn’t eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.

Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.

The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

If it doesn’t work, expand it.

A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

I would give $ to be a millionaire.

Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don’t.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.

The one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven’s unfinished basement.

The longer the title the less important the job.

The average man’s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

Adler’s Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.

The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you’re out of a job.

It’s hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he’s nervous!

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

All American cars are basically Chevrolets.

One liner status

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!

I killed a pack just to watch it die.

I is a college student.

+ = for extremely large values of .

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you”… I’m sure going to miss her.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I may be fat, but you’re ugly I can lose weight!

Ambivalent? Well yes and no….

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

I love animals, they taste great.

Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

People said there will be a black president when pigs fly. days after Obama, swine flu!

Something you never want to hear during surgery: “Who wants to try something new?”

Something you never want to hear during surgery: “Ewww blood!”

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Puke… and you are on your own.

% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?